By Jane Sonnenschein · Originally drafted on January 6, 2026 · First revised on May 21, 2026 · Second revised on July 21, 2026

“True understanding does not begin with rushing to correct someone. It begins with trying to understand how they became the person they are today.”

For a long time, I thought that children with high IQs were almost always top students. They were supposed to understand things quickly, react fast, get excellent grades and rank near the top of their year. Many of them, I imagined, were not only intelligent but also unusually disciplined and hardworking.

That was the picture many of us had of a highly intelligent child. I also assumed that if someone repeatedly struggled within the school system and later found adult life difficult as well, then they probably did not belong in the “high-IQ” category.

Only recently did I begin to question that assumption.

By chance, I joined several Facebook groups for parents of gifted children—a subject described in German as Hochbegabung. Reading the discussions in those groups made me realize for the first time just how narrow my earlier understanding had been.

Hochbegabung is sometimes translated into Chinese as “genius.” Yet many of the children described in those groups looked nothing like the geniuses we imagine in familiar success stories. Quite the opposite: their parents were often deeply worried.

They were not asking, “My child is already doing so well. How can I help them achieve even more?” Instead, they kept talking about the difficulties their children faced in everyday life.

Some children struggled socially and found it hard to make real friends. Some did not fit into an ordinary school and were often misunderstood because they thought differently. Others were extremely sensitive and could become deeply troubled by things that seemed insignificant to everyone else.

What confused their parents even more was that some of these children clearly learned very quickly, yet still did not do well at school. They were often described as lazy, rebellious, addicted to games or simply unwilling to make an effort.

These children seemed to live in a completely different world from the bright, successful, high-achieving child I had always pictured.

A few days ago, I saw a question from a mother in one of those groups. Her child had scored very highly on an IQ test but continued to struggle in an ordinary school. He faced academic pressure, emotional ups and downs and repeated conflict with other people.

Later, he moved into a class created especially for gifted pupils. His overall condition improved, but his social difficulties remained. At the same time, this thirteen-year-old began spending a great deal of time playing Minecraft.

His mother felt torn.

On the one hand, she could clearly see that gaming seemed to make him calmer. He was less restless than before and appeared more emotionally balanced. On the other hand, she could not stop worrying. Was it healthy for a thirteen-year-old to spend so much time gaming? Was he becoming addicted? Could it harm his future?

On the surface, she was asking about video games. But I saw a deeper question underneath.

Having a high IQ does not mean that everything in a child’s life will automatically go well. For some gifted children, the real difficulty is not that they are “not intelligent enough.” It is that the way their minds work does not always fit the way ordinary schools and everyday life are organised.

Many children who are both highly intelligent and highly sensitive seem to have minds that are always running at full speed. It is not that they do not want to calm down. They may simply find it very difficult to stop their thoughts through willpower alone.

Without clear structure, firm rules and a steady sense of safety, all that constant thinking may stop feeling like an advantage. It can become exhausting. A child may spend a long time feeling tense, confused and worn out.

This is why games—especially games with clear rules, repeatable processes and fairly predictable results—may offer some children more than an escape.

Gaming can also be a way for them to calm and regulate themselves. In a game, a child knows the rules. They know what the goal is and what steps they can take to move forward. When real life feels too confusing and unpredictable, that sense of order and control may help a constantly racing mind become quiet for a while.

This inevitably made me think of my husband.

He once took an IQ test and scored 138, which would normally place him in the highly intelligent range. Yet the course of his life has never matched the familiar success story we often associate with a high IQ.

He was not someone who sailed through school and quickly built a successful career. His childhood and teenage years were difficult. His family environment was far from supportive, and he was bullied for years at school.

He later told me that he did not keep playing games simply because he enjoyed them. When his mind was running at full speed without anything clear to focus on, he suffered from sleeplessness, agitation and distress.

Gaming gave him one specific thing to concentrate on. Instead of allowing his mind to keep racing in every direction, it gave that restless mind somewhere to settle for a while.

After hearing him explain it, I slowly began to understand that many things cannot be judged only from the outside.

Other people may see nothing more than, “Why is he playing games again?” But from his point of view, he may be using an imperfect, even clumsy method to stop his mind from becoming completely overwhelmed.

Of course, this does not mean that excessive gaming is good. Nor does it mean that children should be allowed to play without limits.

What needs to change is the way we look at the problem.

When a child depends heavily on games, perhaps we should not ask only, “How can we make them stop?” We should also ask, “What is this game doing for them?”

Is it helping to quiet the noise in the child’s mind? Is it helping them focus? Is it allowing them to escape overwhelming social pressure for a while? Or is it offering the kind of orderly, controllable world they struggle to find in real life?

If we never look at the role the game is playing and simply treat it as the enemy, we may fail to solve the problem. Worse, we may miss the place where the child genuinely needs help.

I have also become increasingly aware that when a gifted child grows up without being properly understood or guided, that inner tension, confusion and disorder may remain with them for many years.

A high IQ does not automatically create confidence. When a highly intelligent child is repeatedly misunderstood, dismissed or forced to suppress who they are, they may instead develop very low self-esteem.

Such children may always be afraid that other people will look down on them. They may fear failure, and fear even more that they will once again become “the problem” in someone else’s eyes.

They may have a strong ability to understand, yet gradually lose faith in themselves after years of frustration. They may notice more than others and think very deeply, but still struggle to turn those abilities into good grades, social success or the kind of achievement the world usually values.

This is why I am becoming less and less willing to define intelligence simply as getting good grades, responding quickly or being certain to succeed in the future.

Intelligence is only one part of a person.

Whether a child can find their way through real life also depends on whether they have ever been truly understood, whether they are in an environment that suits them and whether, when they struggle, someone is willing to see what they are going through instead of looking only at the abilities they possess.

I am not writing this to place a new label on gifted children, nor am I trying to defend any particular behaviour.

I simply feel more and more strongly that our old understanding of intelligence was far too limited.

Perhaps the most important question is not only whether a child is intelligent, but whether we are looking at that child in a way that helps us truly understand them.

Some children do not first need more demands or stricter correction. They need to feel understood.

Only when a child stops seeing themselves as a burden, as abnormal or as a disappointment can they begin to build trust in themselves and in the world around them.

So how can parents support a child like this?

Returning to the mother who posted on Facebook, she has a thirteen-year-old child who is highly intelligent, struggles socially and spends a great deal of time playing Minecraft.

The first thing I would say is this: do not rush to treat the game as the enemy.

If the parents have already noticed that the child becomes calmer and more balanced after playing, this at least tells us that gaming is currently helping him regulate himself in some way. Instead of banning it immediately, it may be more useful to understand what problem the game is helping him cope with.

Understanding does not mean allowing everything.

The goal is not to let the child play without limits. It is to make real life clearer, more orderly and more predictable, little by little.

For children like this, the most important question may not simply be how many hours of screen time they have each day. It may be whether their lives include steady routines, clear rules, predictable schedules and activities with a clear beginning, process and end.

When real life itself becomes more structured, a child’s dependence on games may gradually decrease. This can happen without relying entirely on strict bans and outside control.

At the same time, parents can help the child find other activities that offer the same kind of focus without involving a screen.

For many highly intelligent and sensitive children, gaming is not the only activity that can help their minds focus. Some may connect with a musical instrument. Others may enjoy programming, building things or working on logic-based activities. Some may be drawn to sports with clear rules and goals, while others may need a subject or project they can explore deeply over a long period of time.

The point is not simply to make the child “do more things.” It is to help them find something else that can focus and slow the mind, while giving them a sense of stability instead of confusion.

Social difficulties should not be ignored either. But for children like these, social problems are often more than a simple matter of personality.

They may come from the defences a child has built after years of not being understood. They may also grow from repeated disappointment in relationships with other children, until the child slowly stops trusting people.

Instead of constantly telling such children to “fit in better” or “make more friends,” it may be more important to help them build a basic sense of self-worth.

They need to begin to understand: “There is nothing wrong with me. I am simply different from some other people, and being different does not mean that I am wrong.”

Only when a child no longer sees themselves as a burden, as abnormal or as someone who does not deserve to be liked can they slowly begin to practise trusting others again. Within small, safe relationships, they can learn how to express themselves and how to form a connection with the world.

Finally, there is one more important point.

If parents have felt powerless, confused and anxious for a long time, this may mean that the problem is no longer something a family can fully solve through willpower and patience alone.

The sooner a family receives professional support from someone who genuinely understands children like this, the less the child and the family may have to suffer.

Seeking help is not about placing another label on a child. It is about sparing them some of the struggles that could have been avoided.

For children who seem intelligent but repeatedly struggle in real life, being understood is often more important than being corrected.

And that understanding may be the beginning of rebuilding order, confidence and the ability to manage everyday life.

This essay is also available in other languages:

Chinese version: 我曾经以为，高智商的孩子就该是学霸，后来才发现我错了

German version: Ich dachte lange, hochbegabte Kinder müssten automatisch zu den Besten in der Schule gehören. Dann merkte ich, dass ich mich geirrt hatte.